I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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