I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
