i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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