It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
