I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
