I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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