Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
