Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
