Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize