I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
