so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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