Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
