life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize