And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
