im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
