guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
