I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
