I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
thus making me awesome and them whores
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
