Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
