i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize