walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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