i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
love makes seman taste better
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
