What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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