I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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