Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
