I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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