This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
