I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He passed out mid-signature
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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