At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
