well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
