In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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