my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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