I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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