i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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