Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
