birth control should be required to get into college
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
