god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
