omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
