I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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