i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
