I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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