Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
