remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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