If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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