Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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