My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
