Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize