this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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