a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
so let's talk penis.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
