I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
