I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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