i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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