you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
