my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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