i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He passed out mid-signature
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
