i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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