Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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