He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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