Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
