i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
