Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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