the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
