We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
