I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Randomize
