everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
